Monthly Archives: October 2009

Blessing and Appreciation

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Lak25vie


 

I first got introduced to “Abraham” and the law of attraction in 1992.  I was staying with my Mom and getting caught up in the negative dimensions of our relationship while trying to manifest a situation for me to move into and use all my training in 15 holistic therapies in a new way.  I would listen to Abraham’s words, start my day with a happy Loggins’ and Messina song to get myself feeling joy, and state affirmations, etc.  My Mother’s bathroom had this amazing big mirror in the front and the back. I could stand facing the mirror in a way that turned the view into me looking at me looking at me, on and on, this long line of me’s stating these affirmations.  I would feel psyched, pumped and positive. Then, I would walk out, have some reaction and boom; there I would be again, focusing on what I didn’t want, rather than what I did want.

           I have read many books on the law of attraction, old ones from the early nineteen hundreds and newer ones that other people wrote who studied the Abraham material. I would read other spiritual books as well, from all traditions. I would practice all the techniques, thinking I was getting it right, but notice that I still wasn’t manifesting what I truly desired.  At times I became a thought “cop”, watching everything I said and thought and if I was experiencing darker emotions like fear, anger, frustration, I would freak, adding more fear to the mix, knowing that surely now I REALLY wasn’t going to manifest what I desired.

           Then, I’d read a Buddhist book about forgiveness and compassion, and be more compassionate with myself about the emotions that arose within me.  But then, I”d read another new age book that pointed out how important it was to stay in appreciation and focusing on what you truly desired.  That got so confusing, as I’d wonder, what do I say if someone asks me how I am and I’m not feeling great?  Am I supposed to smile and say, oh yes, I am getting better and better every day?! I understand that truly, this is the deepest reality, but on the other hand it felt false. So, the confusion would start again.

           Two and a half years ago I had something very traumatic happen on Valentine’s day.  It was a repeat of a situation that had happened twice before and I did not expect it to ever happen again.  It had almost destroyed me when it happened before and for several years after that I went through an immensely dark period.  Luckily, as a teenager, I would purposely go driving in the desert and get lost, so that I could find my way home, and I always did. Years later, I lived with a forest at the end of the block, so I taught myself to walk through the forest, without any light, only being able to feel my feet on the path and make my way through the forest.  I think I must have been training to make it through those dark times and trust I’d survive and somehow thrive.  So, when I had this situation happen again, in 2007,  I spent much of the day in tears, anger, fear and immense grief.  But, the next day, I put my smiley face on, and drove to work, spouting positive affirmations all the way, until, UNTIL….I had a five vehicle  car accident!!! I was stunned that I could have a car accident while spouting positive affirmations!  How could this be????!!!!!  It didn’t stop there, but I continued to attract several other betrayals, injuries, and traumas over the next two years no matter what books I read, what classes I took, what therapies I received or performed on myself, or what techniques I used. ARRGGGH!!!!!!!  Certainly there were many good times, support, and positive situations, but I still wasn’t manifesting what I truly desire and see for my life and myself.  Then, I’d try the surrender, Let Go and Let God approach…and yet still feel these inner urges for growth and expansion.

           A few weeks ago I re-watched the movie “Celestine Prophecy”. I had read the book years ago and seen the movie when it came out.  In seeing it again though, I was reminded about how important it is to be conscious of staying in a positive place of power so that I can be guided and know when to proceed and when to draw back.  The movie reminded me to start connecting more again with the trees I pass on a walk, the plants in my home, and the divine energy in all things.

           Then I started reading Abraham’s latest book “The Vortex”.  I finally now understand how it all works, 17 years later!  I am realizing how important it is to stay in a place of appreciation, while being honest with myself and others about how I am feeling or experiencing my reality, as I honor “what appears to be”, while knowing that it is showing me what I truly want perhaps instead.  Somehow though, to still be in appreciation even though what I am feeling inside or in a situation or relationship outside of myself, doesn’t feel too good, feels very freeing.  In the past, it felt artificial to do this and so it remained a struggle with mixed results.  But now, it is becoming more and more automatic.

           I am also learning why I would get such opposite results when I would try to ignore the grief, pain, etc. and instead declare joy, wealth, health, whatever.  This distance is too far to go and the subconscious doesn’t buy it, so I would end up still creating from the place of pain.  Now, I can see why it is important to start where I am, take the baby steps from powerless/despair to sadness to fear and on up the “instrument panel” as Lola Jones calls it, in her book “Things are going great in my absence” until I can truly reside in that place of joy and appreciation.  I am learning to even appreciate the pain, as I see that in reading a situation, whether within or “without”, there is always several stories being told.  So, I can choose which story to focus on.  I can “tell the truth” if someone asks me what is going on, and I can do the same to myself, but I don’t’ get stuck in the story anymore and I can look at the story in a new way, a way that has a new possibility of showing me what I would like instead, for myself, for others, for the world.

           I can now look at these situations in my life, that are still there, still not the way I would like them to be, but I can look at them with love, appreciation and focus on the positive part of those “stories”, those relationships and situations and remember the blessings and gifts in them, seeing the divinity that resides in them RIGHT NOW.  That allows me to feel and send love and joy, which I’m sure feels much better to receive through the “airwaves” than what I might have felt or focused on before.  This puts me in a place of feeling my power, the power to change my world and contribute to the rest of the world in a way that honors who I am and the path I choose to walk.

            I get a booklet each month from Silent Unity, called the Daily word. Sometimes I fall behind on reading the page for the day.  I’ve been readying all week to give a friend the second attunement for Reiki, and since today was the day to do it, I decided to catch up on the Daily word and see what I had missed and what it had to say for today.  The quote that really caught my heart was “I give thanks for the gifts of God”.  The little story referenced the story of when Christ had gathered his disciples together, and had asked them to put the word out to others to come, too.  He only had a small amount of food to feed them, and yet there was a multitude of people who showed up.  He decided to focus on what food he had, gave thanks to God for these gifts (appreciation), blessed it and some how, it multiplied and multiplied until he had enough to feed everyone.

           I had heard this story over and over growing up in Christian churches and in reading books from other traditions as well, as Christ wasn’t the only miracle worker in the history of spirituality, and I believe he was simply demonstrating a technique so that we would learn to use it as well.  Somehow though, I never understood it completely. I thought that he was focusing on another outcome…more food…ok…if I do this, thank and bless, I”ll get the miracle amount of food that I need. That puts him out of “NOW” and into a future projection, and expectation.  I finally realized today, in reading this little story again, that Christ was simply just saying “ok…if this is all we’ve got, this is all we’ve got, and isn’t it great that we have this!!!!! Glory be!!!! “   He wasn’t cursing the limited amount, worrying about how he was going to feed everyone and what they’d think when they realized he didn’t have anything to feed them, he just focused on the bounty that was there, right then…the food, the people who came to listen, the wonderful day of sharing, being alive…and isn’t that quite a gift, right now. And in that sweet ability to say thanks, for what was in that moment, the gifts expanded.

            I am learning that this is the true lesson.  Being both a political activist as well as a spiritual/holistic therapist, teacher and coach, sometimes has me walking a razor’s edge of looking at what I would like to be different and at the same time, staying in that place of appreciating what is and finding the gift in it, right now, just as it is, just as I am, just as you are, just as the world is.  And, it is enough.  And I believe that in staying in that place of appreciation more and more, I will change my life, and I will see the world become one of more love, cooperation and peace.

Katelon T. Jeffereys

www.empowerandbalance.com

           

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WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE trailer

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I just saw this movie and it is amazing!!! The cinematography, the music, the acting, the plot, the puppet suits for the full sized wild things….all of it! It was one of my son’s favorite books and mine as well. I read and played guitar and sang to him almost every night until he went to college and they are times I will always cherish as I loved being a Mom. But as the movie shows, we all experience anger at our parents, feeling loneliness, separation, rejection, distance and feel it might be better elsewhere. Loving is a tricky thing and it takes much patience, grace, acceptance, understanding, support and the willingness to look inside at your part in making the whole thing work. The movie does a wonderful job at showing all of this…the hope, the fear, the love, the anger that is family and growing up…no matter what age you are.

 

Katelon T. Jeffereys

www.empowerandbalance.com

 

Bruce Cockburn, Justice, 9/11 Moments

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Here is my MAIN guitar/singer-songwriter hero!!!! I have been listening to Bruce since 1982. When I used to have extreme asthma and struggle to breathe for days, I would make it through that time listening to Bruce, leaning against a wall because I couldn’t lay down, and picture myself playing guitar and singing with Bruce. I have 28 or more albums of his. His passion for spirituality, music and being an activist around the world has been my inspiration for all these years. Yay Bruce!!!!!!!

Katelon T. Jeffereys

www.empowerandbalance.com

 

Drawer by Drawer

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In memory of Leonora K. Thurman 6/28/1920 – 10/13/1999

 

Today is the anniversary of my Mom’s death day.  It is a day I set aside every year to do things she would have enjoyed.  She last visited me in August 1999 to see me on my birthday.  We went to the Art Museum and saw several Monet paintings as well as paintings from other impressionists.  The stairs were difficult for her and being new to the museum and fairly new to Seattle, I didn’t know about the elevator there.  Even though her walking was shaky, she insisted we walk all over downtown Seattle in order for me to find something I’d like for my birthday.  Shopping was always something she loved, walking up and down each aisle.  Where I’m a get in, find what I want and get out kind of shopper.

 

While here on her trip, she had wanted to go to the tour at Boehm’s, a chocolate store built in Issaquah in 1956. I’m not sure if she had been there before or just heard of it.   Julius Boehm built an Edelweiss Chalet, an Alpine Chapel, the store and factory based on his love of art, classical music, sports, mountain climbing and life in his homeland of Austria. He escaped Hitler by skiing over the Swiss Alps.  I was so new to Seattle and due to work constraints and feeling unsure of driving in the area, we didn’t go then.  So, today I finally took the tour of the factory as well as going to the observation deck to see the view of Snoqualmie Falls, a very famous site in this area. Of course if I would have known that was the last time I’d see her somewhat healthy, and only a few months before her death, I would have taken all the time I needed to show her all the sights she wanted to see.

 

On June 06, 2008, in Entertainment Weekly, my entertainment “bible”, Owen Gleiberman wrote a review of the movie “When did you last see your father”.  I recently watched it and referenced it in another blog post. I like to watch movies and in lieu of having someone to watch and discuss it with, I will instead look up the reviews in Entertainment weekly and see if they saw the movie the same way I did, or not.  In the review he states that it “ taps into the conflicting feelings so many of us can have about parents who haunt us because they’re difficult, which is part of what makes them irreplaceable.”  I loved the movie, and of course I loved my Mom.  And this statement truly reflects the relationship I had with her.  Growing up we had quite an argumentative relationship.  Both she and my father had painful childhoods, and they were quite inward, quiet and restrained, as well as being conservative Republicans.  I know my Mom loved me and at the same time, she was quite critical of me;  and looking back, I see she held quite a bit of fear for my health, my choices, and my path.

 

I’m sure I was quite the handful though.  Not only was I a severe asthmatic, in and out of emergency rooms, hospitals and often home from school, but I was also remembering other lifetimes and speaking of them, from early childhood, seeing Spirits and other dimensions and talking to Christ and “the gang” (as I called them) in the back yard.  At age eight, I told my parents that their Presbyterian church didn’t work for me anymore, and amazingly they let me go and begin my journey through all the world religions, and many spiritual paths.  To my father’s horror, I came home from a semester in college, where I was learning all the truth about the REAL US history, all the things they never told you in conservative schools and sharing information from my new socialist friend.  I was always fearless, outgoing, noisy and moving…dancing, singing, emoting…quite the extreme opposite of my folks.  So I’m not surprised by her fear for me, or her criticism.  It is a trap that we often fall into, as parents, and I know I have been guilty of it as well.  But this pattern led me to feel at times that I would not miss her when she died. 

 

I have many fond memories of my time with her, from the delightful birthday parties she threw for me and how much she honored our birthdays, to the clothes she designed and had made for me, the freshly baked cookies waiting for me when I got home from school, all the volunteering she did to help at the hospital and to any friend or neighbor in need. These are three  of my favorite memories.  The first one I love because it was a time of no resistance or defense, just pure unguarded enjoyment of each other. We shared an afternoon spent on her L-shaped living room couches, her in one, me in the other, with our feet meeting at the corner table, our heads at the other ends so we could see each other as we ate candy and chatted like school girls.  The second one I love because it was a time where I truly showed up to help my Mom, be there for her and give back to her the support she had given me most of my life.  I didn’t always do this when the need arose, so I”m thankful that this time I did. This situation came after she had paid a neighbor teenager to trim her once bountiful fruit trees in the backyard, and he had ended up decimating them.  She had called me in tears and so I had driven 60 miles to come down and find her in the backyard, devastated, as she viewed this horror scene of trees destroyed, never to bear fruit again. We both sat in silence and grieved this loss of life together. The third memory was of a dark night in northern CA., in McKinleyville, when she had come to visit me.  I had trained myself to walk the forest at the end of the block, in the pitch-black night, without any light at all.  I led her along the trail, with her hand in mine and she stated, “You have always been so much more courageous in the world than I have been”. I treasure this memory, as it was a rare occasion of affection and honest heartfelt acknowledgment of my character as well as a window into her interior sense of self.

 

Of course I have many other memories that were not so great, and these seemed to at times overwhelm all the rest.  So, I was totally unprepared for what it felt like to be with her the last few days of her life, two while she was conscious and two while she lay there unconscious, as I chanted over her body and waited for my son to arrive so we could pull the plug and say goodbye.  I was even less prepared to make that long journey through clearing out her house in order to sell it.  Each cupboard, each box, each shelf, each drawer told a story.  I learned of her protective nature as friends told me that no matter what different name I was going by, what new spiritual path I was walking, what new relationship I was exploring, though my Mom might have voiced her criticisms and concerns for me to me, she only spoke to them of me with pride and joy.  I learned of her immense love for me in her concern for my well being even on her deathbed and by the drawers of all the letters and cards she had kept that my son and I had given to her.  I learned of her true love that got away from the letters he had sent from the war, and how much verbal abusive she had suffered from my father, even in the beginning of their relationship, in letters he had sent from the war.  I learned more details of her painful childhood in conversations with a childhood friend of hers.  And I learned even more of her love of cooking in the stacks and stacks AND STACKS of recipes that I had to just pick up as a pile and recycle when I was just too tired to go through one last item.  But when I got to the last shelf, the last drawer, and knew that there were no more clues to gather about this complicated and largely unknown woman who had tended to my needs and been a fierce friend and foe, as well as a loving Mom, I felt a hollowness that has grown more and more each year, as I celebrate and honor her on these anniversary days.  I had watched my Jewish Grandmother light candles on the anniversary of other’s deaths.  I am now left wondering what it must have been like for my mother to face her parents’ deaths, as well as her son’s death.  But life goes on, and I attempt to practice detachment, and feel the grief and loss with compassion for myself and for her, and to also feel the joy for all I have learned and continue to learn through this process of growth and the unfolding of generations as well as incarnations…..drawer by drawer, body by body, light by light…all infused with love.

 

Katelon T. Jeffereys

www.empowerandbalance.com

 

 

 

 

           

Katelon T. Jeffereys

Tom Rawson Sings “Nautical Talk” Song

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I went to Tom’s concert last Sat. night and have been going to his concerts for a few years now. I love his soft, soothing voice; loving spiritual/political nature that invites discourse, understanding and resolution; and of course his talent as a musician, singer and songwriter. I agree with his path to peace through encouraging understanding and positive action. Check Tom out at www.tomrawson.com

Katelon T. Jeffereys

www.empowerandbalance.com

 

Leonard Cohen – Dance Me to the End of Love [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

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I grew up dancing and thought I’d be a dancer when I grew up. Injuries derailed that dream but I still dance. I love to dance in my living room…for exercise, for spiritual connection, for fun and to release emotional challenges. I recently took East Coast Swing and did some waltzing. It isn’t as much a part of my life right now as I’d like it to be, because of a recent rib injury, but it will be in the future. This video is so sweet in showing that connection you share when dancing together and in a long time love relationship. Leonard Cohen remains so soulful as he ages. A master of words and spiritual longing.

Katelon T. Jeffereys

www.empowerandbalance.com

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY – TRAILER

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I saw this last night and it was great! It was funny, insightful and a rallying call for the citizens of America to wake up and take back their government, and stand up for true democracy. I believe that there is a transformation taking place in the world, that we are in the process of ascending and creating a new planet of peace, harmony, and true democracy for all…a place where everyone is cared for, has food to eat, a safe place to live, meaningful work to do. I believe it is happening within and around us. I feel that it is not only about changing laws though, I feel it is about inner change, realizing our true divinity, our ability as co-creators to create a world based on love, rather than fear, greed and corruption. As we raise our vibrations, realize that we are all one, we come together to create a world that supports ALL of us, in a responsible, healthy and WHOLLY manner.

Katelon T. Jeffereys

www.empowerandbalance.com