I first got introduced to “Abraham” and the law of attraction in 1992. I was staying with my Mom and getting caught up in the negative dimensions of our relationship while trying to manifest a situation for me to move into and use all my training in 15 holistic therapies in a new way. I would listen to Abraham’s words, start my day with a happy Loggins’ and Messina song to get myself feeling joy, and state affirmations, etc. My Mother’s bathroom had this amazing big mirror in the front and the back. I could stand facing the mirror in a way that turned the view into me looking at me looking at me, on and on, this long line of me’s stating these affirmations. I would feel psyched, pumped and positive. Then, I would walk out, have some reaction and boom; there I would be again, focusing on what I didn’t want, rather than what I did want.
I have read many books on the law of attraction, old ones from the early nineteen hundreds and newer ones that other people wrote who studied the Abraham material. I would read other spiritual books as well, from all traditions. I would practice all the techniques, thinking I was getting it right, but notice that I still wasn’t manifesting what I truly desired. At times I became a thought “cop”, watching everything I said and thought and if I was experiencing darker emotions like fear, anger, frustration, I would freak, adding more fear to the mix, knowing that surely now I REALLY wasn’t going to manifest what I desired.
Then, I’d read a Buddhist book about forgiveness and compassion, and be more compassionate with myself about the emotions that arose within me. But then, I”d read another new age book that pointed out how important it was to stay in appreciation and focusing on what you truly desired. That got so confusing, as I’d wonder, what do I say if someone asks me how I am and I’m not feeling great? Am I supposed to smile and say, oh yes, I am getting better and better every day?! I understand that truly, this is the deepest reality, but on the other hand it felt false. So, the confusion would start again.
Two and a half years ago I had something very traumatic happen on Valentine’s day. It was a repeat of a situation that had happened twice before and I did not expect it to ever happen again. It had almost destroyed me when it happened before and for several years after that I went through an immensely dark period. Luckily, as a teenager, I would purposely go driving in the desert and get lost, so that I could find my way home, and I always did. Years later, I lived with a forest at the end of the block, so I taught myself to walk through the forest, without any light, only being able to feel my feet on the path and make my way through the forest. I think I must have been training to make it through those dark times and trust I’d survive and somehow thrive. So, when I had this situation happen again, in 2007, I spent much of the day in tears, anger, fear and immense grief. But, the next day, I put my smiley face on, and drove to work, spouting positive affirmations all the way, until, UNTIL….I had a five vehicle car accident!!! I was stunned that I could have a car accident while spouting positive affirmations! How could this be????!!!!! It didn’t stop there, but I continued to attract several other betrayals, injuries, and traumas over the next two years no matter what books I read, what classes I took, what therapies I received or performed on myself, or what techniques I used. ARRGGGH!!!!!!! Certainly there were many good times, support, and positive situations, but I still wasn’t manifesting what I truly desire and see for my life and myself. Then, I’d try the surrender, Let Go and Let God approach…and yet still feel these inner urges for growth and expansion.
A few weeks ago I re-watched the movie “Celestine Prophecy”. I had read the book years ago and seen the movie when it came out. In seeing it again though, I was reminded about how important it is to be conscious of staying in a positive place of power so that I can be guided and know when to proceed and when to draw back. The movie reminded me to start connecting more again with the trees I pass on a walk, the plants in my home, and the divine energy in all things.
Then I started reading Abraham’s latest book “The Vortex”. I finally now understand how it all works, 17 years later! I am realizing how important it is to stay in a place of appreciation, while being honest with myself and others about how I am feeling or experiencing my reality, as I honor “what appears to be”, while knowing that it is showing me what I truly want perhaps instead. Somehow though, to still be in appreciation even though what I am feeling inside or in a situation or relationship outside of myself, doesn’t feel too good, feels very freeing. In the past, it felt artificial to do this and so it remained a struggle with mixed results. But now, it is becoming more and more automatic.
I am also learning why I would get such opposite results when I would try to ignore the grief, pain, etc. and instead declare joy, wealth, health, whatever. This distance is too far to go and the subconscious doesn’t buy it, so I would end up still creating from the place of pain. Now, I can see why it is important to start where I am, take the baby steps from powerless/despair to sadness to fear and on up the “instrument panel” as Lola Jones calls it, in her book “Things are going great in my absence” until I can truly reside in that place of joy and appreciation. I am learning to even appreciate the pain, as I see that in reading a situation, whether within or “without”, there is always several stories being told. So, I can choose which story to focus on. I can “tell the truth” if someone asks me what is going on, and I can do the same to myself, but I don’t’ get stuck in the story anymore and I can look at the story in a new way, a way that has a new possibility of showing me what I would like instead, for myself, for others, for the world.
I can now look at these situations in my life, that are still there, still not the way I would like them to be, but I can look at them with love, appreciation and focus on the positive part of those “stories”, those relationships and situations and remember the blessings and gifts in them, seeing the divinity that resides in them RIGHT NOW. That allows me to feel and send love and joy, which I’m sure feels much better to receive through the “airwaves” than what I might have felt or focused on before. This puts me in a place of feeling my power, the power to change my world and contribute to the rest of the world in a way that honors who I am and the path I choose to walk.
I get a booklet each month from Silent Unity, called the Daily word. Sometimes I fall behind on reading the page for the day. I’ve been readying all week to give a friend the second attunement for Reiki, and since today was the day to do it, I decided to catch up on the Daily word and see what I had missed and what it had to say for today. The quote that really caught my heart was “I give thanks for the gifts of God”. The little story referenced the story of when Christ had gathered his disciples together, and had asked them to put the word out to others to come, too. He only had a small amount of food to feed them, and yet there was a multitude of people who showed up. He decided to focus on what food he had, gave thanks to God for these gifts (appreciation), blessed it and some how, it multiplied and multiplied until he had enough to feed everyone.
I had heard this story over and over growing up in Christian churches and in reading books from other traditions as well, as Christ wasn’t the only miracle worker in the history of spirituality, and I believe he was simply demonstrating a technique so that we would learn to use it as well. Somehow though, I never understood it completely. I thought that he was focusing on another outcome…more food…ok…if I do this, thank and bless, I”ll get the miracle amount of food that I need. That puts him out of “NOW” and into a future projection, and expectation. I finally realized today, in reading this little story again, that Christ was simply just saying “ok…if this is all we’ve got, this is all we’ve got, and isn’t it great that we have this!!!!! Glory be!!!! “ He wasn’t cursing the limited amount, worrying about how he was going to feed everyone and what they’d think when they realized he didn’t have anything to feed them, he just focused on the bounty that was there, right then…the food, the people who came to listen, the wonderful day of sharing, being alive…and isn’t that quite a gift, right now. And in that sweet ability to say thanks, for what was in that moment, the gifts expanded.
I am learning that this is the true lesson. Being both a political activist as well as a spiritual/holistic therapist, teacher and coach, sometimes has me walking a razor’s edge of looking at what I would like to be different and at the same time, staying in that place of appreciating what is and finding the gift in it, right now, just as it is, just as I am, just as you are, just as the world is. And, it is enough. And I believe that in staying in that place of appreciation more and more, I will change my life, and I will see the world become one of more love, cooperation and peace.
Katelon T. Jeffereyswww.empowerandbalance.com