I’ve been on this journey for over 28 weeks, now packing up to leave my present place, the 13th place I’ve stayed, not including places I stayed for one or two nights. As I’ve written before, I leaped out of Seattle 3 1/2 weeks after making the decision to go, working up until the day I left, managing to sell some things, pack, move storage units, pack my car and head out. I left thinking all I needed to do was make it until the prophesied 12/21/12 shift. I figured by then, my next level of work, the work I have prepared for all my life, the work Jesus had told me about when I was nine years old would arrive. I figured that with that work, my income would be provided and all would be well.
I had known almost since arriving in Seattle that it wasn’t my home and I needed to leave, but I kept waiting for many reasons. My son was there, who was my best friend, and we were attempting to market workshops we wanted to do together. Then my Mom died, ending my birth family, and my life felt shattered. Then my son started leaving my life, ending up leaving it three times , has been gone for over 6 years this time, and my heart felt even more shattered. So with all of that, I didn’t have the strength to just pick up and leap, not knowing where to go. So I stayed and stayed.
Then, I kept waiting hoping for some financial windfall that would fund my leap, or an offer or opportunity to move to, but that didn’t happen either. But when things were grinding to a halt in my present job and changes were happening in my living space, it felt like Spirit was telling me to go. So…opportunity or not, windfall or not, I chose to leap.
People, who know me through facebook or friendship otherwise, tell me what an inspiration I’ve been to them, how courageous and brave I am, and one of my Mom’s best friends even said that as well. And for much of the time I can feel that, as I acknowledge how much healing has taken place within me and all the healing work I have done on the people I have been lead to stay with, not to mention weeding and cleaning and other tasks I have taken on in my temporary lodgings. I can also see how much this trip has prepared me for my future work as it has stripped away all but the essentials, and forced me to adapt quickly to many different home environments, physical environments, house rules, beds, cooking situations, etc. It has pushed me to challenge the paradigm that states we need to save up for a move, get another job, THEN we move, along with the one that states you pay rent everywhere you go, with cash, as I’ve often traded therapy for my spaces.
At times I struggle to explain this journey to others because how do you describe this mysterious “destiny” dictated to me 52 years ago and all the guidance, learning, studying, praying, and surrender it has taken me to get this far? I am challenged to define to others this unknown as yet home and opportunity that awaits me and is looking for me as much as I’m looking for it? It doesn’t fit into most people’s way of thinking. How do I demonstrate that things did shift on 12/21/12, and are continuing to shift, even though much isn’t apparent in outer reality?
Although I am very grateful for the friends and strangers who have opened their homes to me along the way, all the wonderful people I have met, the people who have donated to me or asked for therapy sessions along the way, and even the challenges I have undergone; in this moment, I am feeling weary, lonely, and uncertain. Yes, I know…all is well, everything is coming into place, stay in my heart, trust…blah blah. But I believe in owning what is mine, even if it is part of the illusion, and right now, I am desiring home, a community where I belong, meaningful work that allows me to share all my gifts and talents, friends whom I can share with who are in proximity to me and not just via emails, FB, and occasional phone calls. I do believe I can be in that place of gratitude and appreciation and yet, still acknowledge those places within me that desire a clear path, an open door, something substantial and clear.
Tomorrow I might be back in a place of excitement, anticipation and joy…but for right now, I’d love to be sitting with a friend, in my own home, in the community that has welcomed me and sharing stories of all the wonderful service I am able to do right now.
A girl can dream….and dreams do come true!