Tag Archives: desire

What Do You Desire?

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I recently read the book “Appetites” by Caroline Knapp. This book is a powerful and honest look at her years living with anorexia, and also dives much deeper into what it is like to be a woman: the roles we are handed, the conflicts with our Mothers and the female role, how society treats and judges women, how we judge ourselves, and how that affects our ability or inability to even acknowledge our appetites/desires, let alone get them met.

I receive numerous emails every day about petitions to sign for political, environmental or social justice causes, so am reminded regularly about how poorly women are treated all over the world: child brides, honor killings, rape, incest, poverty, domestic violence, the sex trade and more. Even in the US there are more women and children killed or abused every day than died in the Vietnam war. Women still earn less than men for the same jobs. Powerful women, political women, still often elicit nasty judgements against themselves for behavior admired in men. The laws in place and proposed to govern a woman’s health and reproductive rights are appalling, with politicians still blaming women for their rapes, and blaming their sexuality as being an issue…the same men who want to have sex with these women?! Feminism may have made some changes in our culture but not many.

Looking at this in a larger more metaphysical way, you can see it in the repression of the Goddess and how healers and medicine women were killed as witches. The female has been vilified in many of the world’s religions. Patriarchy took over and we’ve had wars ever since.

These are some of the things I have worked to change in my private holistic/spiritual healing practice and my social justice activism. But I also see it as a bigger picture because I believe with the ruling elite’s agenda and the cabal basically running this world for so long, ALL people have been kept from truly becoming aware of their deep desires as well as being able to fulfill them. How could any of us do that without balanced, healthy and loved female and male aspects of ourselves?

I loved reading the book in light of the changes now taking place on the planet, as we work to finally and completely oust the dark’s rule, reclaim our “original blessing” and existence as a divine co-creator with Spirit. And I appreciated the private places it led me to as I examined the issues I grew up with about self identity and lack of self acceptance, handed to me by my wounded Mother and Father, and reinforced by a wounded society.

I grew up thin, so was always able to eat what I chose as far as weight goes, but did grow up with various allergies and chronic asthma. So as I moved into my attempt to heal myself, many various diets were explored and battles were waged against foods I craved and yet knew weren’t good for me. My Mother was a wonderful cook and baker, and not affectionate, so baked goods replaced my needed hugs. I’m a baker as well, so this sugar war has been waged over and over throughout the years.

I had one brief bout of anorexia the summer and fall before graduating from college. I had been teaching for a year at my son’s wonderful alternative pre-school but was required to quit that job and teach in a “real school” as a student teacher, in order to receive my degree in education. The upcoming stress of that, and the experience of working within the restrictions of that public school, the knowledge that I was graduating with a degree I didn’t know what to do with and the then requirement to fully support my son and I alone, led me to put weight on for the first time in my life. I had no idea how to respond to that as it seemed to have nothing to do with how much or little I ate, so I just mostly quit eating. By the time I graduated that semester I had given myself an ulcer.

Although I didn’t grow up fat, I was well acquainted with the teasing and judging, at the hand of school mates, for being thin, having freckles, wearing glasses, having asthma and being smart. So the self judging part of childhood seemed to rule my life. I also was quite aware of how others were treated, as my early activism was born. My family was quite critical and that led me to struggle with identifying what I truly desired and left me feeling guilty for wanting anything at all. Both my parents weren’t able to pursue their dreams and my Father didn’t even want to be married to my Mother but remained so under his Father’s rule. So the model of healthy awareness of desires, what would be fulfilling and the acceptance and healthy acquisition of those, was absent in my family. and life.

I am grateful to have tools to use to address all of this now as well as my understanding of how this fits with the bigger picture transformation taking place on the planet. We are all in the midst of clearing out the emotional baggage and limitations that have plagued us for so long. As we move up to higher dimensions and toward ascension only loving, light selves can make that transition. Anything else is too dense. So I welcomed this opportunity that this book afforded me and the healing it led me to do.

Imagine a world where we grow up loving ourselves, knowing our self to be lovable, fully attuned to our body, our sexuality, our desires and the ability and support to pursue the fulfillment of those in a healthy way. Imagine a world where women are honored and respected, and the female aspect within all of us is celebrated and nurtured. I’m excited to live in THAT world! And it starts within us.

What are your deepest desires?

What are you hungry for and perhaps weren’t allowed to have?

What would fill and nurture that most vulnerable part of yourself?

These are great questions to ask yourself.

Please join the conversation and share below, too!

Thanks for reading, thanks for being a part of this world and it’s transformation, thanks for being YOU, wondrous YOU!!!!

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The Journey Continues and Continues and Continues……

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Pathway view of courthouse rock

I’ve been on this journey for over 28 weeks, now packing up to leave my present place, the 13th place I’ve stayed, not including places I stayed for one or two nights. As I’ve written before, I leaped out of Seattle 3 1/2 weeks after making the decision to go, working up until the day I left, managing to sell some things, pack, move storage units, pack my car and head out. I left thinking all I needed to do was make it until the prophesied 12/21/12 shift. I figured by then, my next level of work, the work I have prepared for all my life, the work Jesus had told me about when I was nine years old would arrive. I figured that with that work, my income would be provided and all would be well.

I had known almost since arriving in Seattle that it wasn’t my home and I needed to leave, but I kept waiting for many reasons. My son was there, who was my best friend, and we were attempting to market workshops we wanted to do together. Then my Mom died, ending my birth family, and my life felt shattered. Then my son started leaving my life, ending up leaving it three times , has been gone for over 6 years this time, and my heart felt even more shattered. So with all of that, I didn’t have the strength to just pick up and leap, not knowing where to go. So I stayed and stayed.

Then, I kept waiting hoping for some financial windfall that would fund my leap, or an offer or opportunity to move to, but that didn’t happen either. But when things were grinding to a halt in my present job and changes were happening in my living space, it felt like Spirit was telling me to go. So…opportunity or not, windfall or not, I chose to leap.

People, who know me through facebook or friendship otherwise, tell me what an inspiration I’ve been to them, how courageous and brave I am, and one of my Mom’s best friends even said that as well. And for much of the time I can feel that, as I acknowledge how much healing has taken place within me and all the healing work I have done on the people I have been lead to stay with, not to mention weeding and cleaning and other tasks I have taken on in my temporary lodgings. I can also see how much this trip has prepared me for my future work as it has stripped away all but the essentials, and forced me to adapt quickly to many different home environments, physical environments, house rules, beds, cooking situations, etc. It has pushed me to challenge the paradigm that states we need to save up for a move, get another job, THEN we move, along with the one that states you pay rent everywhere you go, with cash, as I’ve often traded therapy for my spaces.

At times I struggle to explain this journey to others because how do you describe this mysterious “destiny” dictated to me 52 years ago and all the guidance, learning, studying, praying, and surrender it has taken me to get this far? I am challenged to define to others this unknown as yet home and opportunity that awaits me and is looking for me as much as I’m looking for it? It doesn’t fit into most people’s way of thinking. How do I demonstrate that things did shift on 12/21/12, and are continuing to shift, even though much isn’t apparent in outer reality?

Although I am very grateful for the friends and strangers who have opened their homes to me along the way, all the wonderful people I have met, the people who have donated to me or asked for therapy sessions along the way, and even the challenges I have undergone; in this moment, I am feeling weary, lonely, and uncertain. Yes, I know…all is well, everything is coming into place, stay in my heart, trust…blah blah. But I believe in owning what is mine, even if it is part of the illusion, and right now, I am desiring home, a community where I belong, meaningful work that allows me to share all my gifts and talents, friends whom I can share with who are in proximity to me and not just via emails, FB, and occasional phone calls. I do believe I can be in that place of gratitude and appreciation and yet, still acknowledge those places within me that desire a clear path, an open door, something substantial and clear.

Tomorrow I might be back in a place of excitement, anticipation and joy…but for right now, I’d love to be sitting with a friend, in my own home, in the community that has welcomed me and sharing stories of all the wonderful service I am able to do right now.

A girl can dream….and dreams do come true!