Recently I was talking to someone about a question that I often used as an icebreaker in my workshops. The question was “What is your favorite smell?” I explained that smell is the strongest memory and by remembering a favorite smell, you are transported back to that time, and since it is a pleasant memory, it brings forth the appropriate relaxing positive chemical responses in your brain and body. Thus, remembering a favorite smell becomes a great quick stress release technique, too. I explained that I loved the question as it was not just a great quick stress release tool but it also pointed out how different people had such varying responses to the question and someone’s favorite smell may sound odd or even distasteful to someone else. This encouraged more understanding of others, and pointed out the different perceptions we hold. … And then, my random mind led me to think about Gary Chapman’s five languages of love.
Gary’s Five Languages of Love are:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Gary suggests that we usually have one language of love, perhaps two, which are most important to us. So thinking about how different favorite smells are to others, I thought of my strongest language of love, which is quality time and second is words of affirmation and how that was different for my Mom. Her language of love was gifts and they were very important to her. If you didn’t like the gift she gave you, she got angry. And for me, if someone doesn’t like what I give them, it is fine with me, they are welcome to let me know and exchange it for something that they like better, as I’d rather they be happy with something else, if that is their choice. But in my Mom’s childhood experience, gifts were how she knew her family loved her, even though she experienced much abuse from her Father. For her, the abuse was overridden by gifts. She wasn’t very forthcoming with words of appreciation, so throughout our relationship, I was waiting for words of appreciation, feeling unloved at times, and she was there giving me gifts that had less importance to me, and sometimes I didn’t even like them. Then when I didn’t like them, she got angry, so I felt even less loved, as the gift felt to be more about her need than her giving me something that I would value or feel loved by. And of course, the reverse was if I didn’t like the gift, which was her language of love, then she felt unloved. What a mess!!!!
One time I was complaining to a massage therapist of mine that the man I was dating was inattentive. She asked me “What does attentive look like to you?” She explained that I might be waiting for chocolates and flowers and he might be out there changing the oil in my car, feeling like he was truly expressing his love for me, leaving us both feeling misunderstood and unloved.
So I invite you to look at this question of what language of love feels most important to you as a way for others to show their love to you. And at the same time, I invite you to take note of the people in your life you care about and see what their favored language of love is and see if you are responding in a way that is important to them and clearly demonstrates to them your love for them.
During this time of transition on the planet and within us, I feel that love truly is the most important support we can garner. Love for ourselves, love for others, love for the process. So I feel that the more astute we can be about how we look for love within ourselves, in our relationships, seeing how we can better support ourselves and others and how others can better support us, the easier this transformation will be. Nurturing is so important right now. The energy coming into the planet is so intense, and the process we are in has been so long coming, many of us are feeling quite weary and our patience and stamina might be stretched to it’s limits. So the more softness and support we can allow within us and around us, and for others, the sweeter our journey.
So what is your language of love? You can go to this website and take a quick assessment: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ Leave a comment below and let me know!
To support you on your journey, there are several links to guided meditations of mine, on the front page of my website and on the page “More Resources”, and several pages of stress release tools as well. www.empowerandbalance.com
Blessings on your journey,
Katelon T. Jeffereys
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love…loving myself, loving others, loving the world, loving what IS right now…on and on. I’ve been out of a relationship a long time, healing myself so that I could finally have a healthy, supportive relationship, SO that I could finally BE that healthy person in a loving relationship. I’ve been focused on this healing not just for a romantic partner relationship, but also for a loving family relationship, my work, and my true purpose this lifetime and for the world.
I’ve come to believe that this is the ONLY true work of our lifetime…learning to love ourselves, relaxing enough to let go of all the “stuff” that we erroneously believe about ourselves that we’ve carried forth from other lifetimes, been programmed with from childhood and society, this belief that we are separate from our divinity. If there is an original sin, I believe this is the apple we ate…this belief that we are anything other than divine and perfect.
I went to an NLP meet up yesterday and the guest speaker was Jack Elias, a local hypnotherapist/NLP master and teacher. He did some funny impersonations of how we catch a negative thought, latch onto it, and then use it to beat ourselves up with it. He pointed out how it is Nazi thinking in how what we do to ourselves is so horrific.
I have seen this in my son, my family, my friends, my clients, and myself. It affects our physical health, our relationships, our finances, and how we treat others as well. That is why I have written so much about healing ourselves and coming to peace within us, how that then creates a positive affect on the world and helps contribute to a more peaceful, loving world.
I’m sure you have experienced walking into a room where people have been angry or arguing with another. The negative energy is palpable. Since those emotions create chemical reactions in our body, you can understand how this affects our physical well-being. Masaru Emoto has demonstrated this with his water experiments, how thoughts change the form of the water crystals. Since a large percentage of our body is water, these negative thoughts directly affect our body. And like attracts like, so the more we focus on these negative thoughts and emotions, it seems like more show up to join the dance.
Here are a few techniques you can use to assist you in more deeply loving yourself and clearing the negative self-talk:
1. Yesterday, Jack Elias suggested you could just dance with it. Low self-esteem? Dance the low self-esteem dance…. dance free form, or waltz, or whatever, as you announce here you are feeling low self-esteem…. or whatever thought/feeling is up for you. Pay attention to what else shows up. Old memories that hold that emotion or belief for you, other beliefs that have supported that emotion, …whatever it is, just be inquisitive. This is an opportunity for healing and for releasing these negative emotions in a playful way.
2. Louise Hays suggests using affirmations and mirror work. I feel that affirmations can be powerful, if you pay attention to the “yeah buts” that often show up as you are saying the affirmations. Your conscious mind will be stating the affirmation “I deeply love myself” and your subconscious might spit up “oh yeah, that’s a crock of #! *+!”, or stuff you heard from your Mom, Dad, school mates….So pay attention to those, thank them for showing up, love them, too, and keep going. For mirror work, you can look into a mirror and state “I love you” “I appreciate you”, you can bow and say “Namaste” the God within me recognizes the God within you. You can use whatever phrases you need to hear. Your childhood is over, your past lives are over, (although really, the only time is now…. smile) so NOW is the time to be the loving parent to that wounded you and tell yourself all those things you needed to hear, are still needing to hear, and allow yourself to move to that place of owning self-love.
3. EFT, emotional freedom technique, is a great tool for shifting the negative self-talk and getting to more self-love. There are places you tap on acupuncture meridian points that physically free up energy that has been held stuck there due to trauma, stress and holding patterns. EFT starts with a set up phrase that accepts and loves where you are right now….”Even though I am beating myself up right now, I deeply and completely love and accept myself” and you can add…”And I am willing to be open to learning to love myself now”. That phrase is done while taking the little finger side of one hand and using a “karate chop” motion on the little finger side of the other hand. You state it three times. Then you move on to the various acupuncture points on your body and head, tapping and stating what seems to be real right now….”beating myself up, feeling like crap, no one loves me, I don’t even love me”, just allowing yourself to be with what you are feeling and thinking right now and then you can move to more positive statements “well, there is that one friend that loves me, sometimes I love myself, what would it be like if I could really love myself?, I like that feeling, “…on and on, until you feel a shift. Then breathe deeply. Other thoughts, emotions and beliefs might come up and then you can tap on them.
4. David Spangler talked of a wonderful practice of bringing “you” out to sit in front of you. Then think of something or someone you feel love and appreciation for and fill yourself up with that. Then you can pour that love and appreciation into that “you” in front of you, until that “you” is filled up and overflowing. Then you can bring that “you” back into your body and feel the difference. This is a very gentle practice and very powerful.
5. You can sit in what is called a whole brain posture, a variation of the “cook’s hook up” energy medicine posture. You cross your right ankle over your left, sitting or laying down, and then cross your left wrist over your right wrist, turn your hands so they face each other and clasp your hands together. You can start with a release statement, thinking to yourself whatever negative emotion is running for you at the moment, “I’m now releasing all worry, fear and self-judgment”. Keep saying it to yourself as you breathe and hold this posture. Then when it feels like you are finished, unclasp your hands and uncross your ankles. Place your fingertips together like you are holding a ball, and breathe. This brings both hemispheres of the brain together to support this belief and release the negative. You can then do the exercise again and use a positive statement ” I now deeply appreciate myself just as I am”, same posture, and same two steps. Psych-K and other energy techniques use this hold.
If you want more information about any of these techniques, there is more information about these people and techniques on the Internet. I have simply been paraphrasing their techniques. Also, I have several meditations and techniques on my website for free. If you have any questions or would like some help, I would love to assist you in clearing anything limiting you from truly seeing what a beautiful and blessed being you are and all that you bring to the world. This has been my work for over 30 years and I am trained in and have studied many therapies and techniques. It is an honor to serve you in this way.
Let’s fill up this world with love, person by person until we have claimed the truth of heaven on earth!
Katelon T. Jeffereys
Photo by Nancy Merryl