Tag Archives: release

Letting Go, Releasing…isn’t always easy!

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Angel wings, green river

This is a picture taken of the Green River, in Flaming Geyser park, near Black Diamond, WA. I love the angel wings made by the rocks. It is a good image to remember when you are in the process of letting go of a relationship, habit, belief, situation that you need to let go of and are struggling to let go.

Whether it is because I am a Leo astrologically, and loyal because of that; or part of my occasionally dysfunctional people pleasing ways; or just because I’m human, and we humans seem to cling to the past and to people and things we need to let go of, instead of trusting and moving forward to something better, I often will hold on to old relationships when they are toxic, and have long passed their expiration dates. It is especially hard for me when it is someone I am very close to, had some wonderful times with and still love. But as I progress further on my spiritual path, I’m learning that the more I honor myself, the more I learn to love and respect myself, there is no room in my world anymore for people that don’t treat me well, or don’t want me in their lives.

Often I had friends who consistently treated me badly, and I’d make excuses for them, attempt to stick up for myself…sometimes poorly and unskillfully, sometimes with grace, and still keep them in my life, accepting their excuses and the few good things they threw my way at times. I see now how this set me up to attract other similar relationships.

I’ve also seen how my tendency to assume full responsibility for everything in my life, led me to accept responsibility for what wasn’t even mine. As a child, I often got punished for things I was accused of in the neighborhood, things I hadn’t done and my Father would believe others over me. So I grew up believing that no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough, nor was there any way to protect myself, as my parents surely weren’t standing up for me. This led to quite low self esteem. So others could treat me badly and I’d just go back for more, blaming myself for their behavior.

I’ve worked for years to heal this and regain my self esteem. This almost 10 month journey of mine has been providing the finishing touches on this. Staying with so many different people over the months, setting up agreements before moving in and occasionally having the hosts drop those agreements then blame me, and ask me to leave, when I was already doing more than agreed upon, giving more than agreed upon, has been a great training ground to finally end this unhealthy habit of mine and finally and fully claim self love.

I have a particularly close relationship I have grieved over for years, spent a bunch of money on contacting various healers and counselors to help me heal, doing rituals and my own healing and clearing work, going back and forth between acceptance and letting go and then, feeling like if I only did this or that, it would be a good relationship again and I finally got it! And got it BIG, that relationships take two people, that I’ve done all I can do, and to continue to play my dysfunctional game only keeps me from peace and from fulfilling my spiritual purpose. It also keeps me unavailable for other possible loving relationships that will be mutually supportive and loving.

I am learning that you tell yourself or someone else to let go, but until a certain point is reached, it isn’t possible to fully release. I do believe that meditations, rituals, various techniques are helpful, and I have several on my website http://www.empowerandbalance.com  But I believe it is just a point that you finally reach with grace, that allows you to trust enough, love yourself enough, to just let go. And when that moment arrives, the feeling is so clean, clear and sweet as there is now room for true love and peace to flood in and fill you up.

Know that there is much support all around and within you for assisting you in this release process. And after you let go, you will have room to bring into your life and heart what you truly desire, relationships and situations that truly honor and uplift you.

Love, katelon

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My Birthday Celebration on August 4th!

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Walking on Mission and Pacific beach

For many years I kept a photo, very much like this one, on my computer, as my desktop photo. I believe in affirmations, intentions, etc. and have manifested many things by having a photo of it on a vision board, or somewhere in sight on a regular basis. I had often dreamed of being back in San Diego for my birthday but that vision always included my son, who had been my best friend, and other friends, surrounding me on my special day. Even though I have enjoyed other places I have stayed, San Diego always held the top place in my memories for all the happy and free times I had here as a child, and adult, visiting and staying in either Mission or Pacific beach, next to the ocean. I always dreamed of someday living here, next to the beach.

Well, here I am in San Diego, after being on the road for over 9 months, thinking I had finally landed in my home. But I ended up finding a place to stay, not in my dream place of next to the beach, but in a home in a neighborhood, next to a major freeway. I am very grateful for the place to stay and my lovely and warm host, and I am realizing, I am not home yet. I thought that if I just manifested a place next to the beach, away from the freeways and noise of the city, then I would be “home”. But now I am realizing that I wasn’t led to San Diego on this long journey of bringing healing to others and myself and looking for home, to stay in San Diego, but rather, I was led here to honor my memories of this place and to release it’s hold it has had on my heart and imagination for so many years. I’m not sure how long or short of a time I will be here, but it is clear that I haven’t landed at home yet.

Leading up to my birthday, I felt disappointed again, that my son has chosen to remain out of my life, no matter how many overtures I make to reach out, show my love, my compassion, my desire to share his life and the life of his family, and my attempts to gather local friends to share my BD with, were failing as well. So I had given up and planned a day alone. The day before though, I used access consciousness questions ” What else is possible?”, “How can it get any better than this?”, intentions and prayers, to open up my birthday celebration to unexpected surprises and joy, whether I ended up alone the entire day or not.

I woke up early on my birthday and finally headed out to the breakfast reservation I had made at a restaurant attached to the hotel that my Mom and my son and I often stayed in. It was this hotel that I returned to after my mother died in 1999 and I had returned to Arizona to be with her through the passing and then clear out and sell her home. I had spread her ashes in the sand in front of this restaurant and the hotel. The food and service were great and I was given a complimentary creme brulee for dessert.

After my breakfast I took off walking. I love to walk and often on my vacations to San Diego I will walk up to 8 miles in one day. I walked north on the boardwalk to explore and reminisce, stopped and ate a sno-cone and “joined” in with a world wide meditation taking place, then walked south on the boardwalk to the historic Belmont amusement park where I had spent so much time as a child. Along the way, I passed many familiar places, and ones that had been remodeled as well. Then I turned around and walked back up north on the beach, walking the very picture that I had put on my desktop long ago. Walking along I felt like I was walking in my manifested reality and I could feel the importance of the moment.

I was treated with 2 friends and my Aunt calling to wish me happy birthday while I was walking, essentially then sharing the walk with me. My present host ended up joining me in Old Town San Diego for dinner and then returning to the beach with me for further walking at sunset. I ended up walking 5 hours that day!

So the birthday celebration I had thought was going to be solitary ended up being a very full day of old memories, new memories, releasing my past, opening to my future, and sharing with wonderful people and places. My time on the beach ended by passing a young man and his daily sand castle project. It was his birthday, too, and he was taking a picture of his finished creation. I thought how fitting this end was to my journey that day, as tomorrow, that sand castle will be just another formless pile of sand, ready to be first created in mind and then formed by hands into another creation.

Our lives are like that, too. They start with our dreams, our fears, our thoughts, our feelings, and we mold and create our experiences based on these. We attempt to hold on to our creations, and that holds us back. As we learn to let go, let the sands of our creative energy dissolve into a formless mass again, we are able to start anew, to create a new dream.

We are the creators, joining with Spirit and all the other fellow creators to create our new world. What can you dream of? What can you design?

Through The Void…….

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Through the void

Here we are…disconnecting from much of what has held us…beliefs, habits, relationships, situations, towns, jobs…and into the void. It can be a scary space. Even if the old was limiting, frustrating, unhealthy, unhappy; it was known and that has comfort in it.

The future is uncertain, it isn’t created yet, and we wonder who we will be, what will be left of us after all this “stuff” has been stripped away. What are we without our armor? What are we without our masks? What are we without all those things that we have relied upon to support us, even though that support was shaky at best?

This is what we are in the process of discovering. We have left one world behind and now it is our job to create the new one, to strip off the veils and uncover the beauty that is within us. We are the creators of this new world. What would you choose for this new way of being? Let your imagination go beyond all the borders, what if’s, yeah buts and dream big. REALLY BIG!!!!

It truly is up to us to design this new world. Get out your crayons and color outside the lines 🙂